The 411 on Neumate

Technology has sped up the world, yet love has not changed. We believe that the environment people choose to associate themselves with sets their intention, and that the same two people can meet in different environments and have completely different outcomes. We also believe that a healthy world is one of true equality, so every member of Neumate has the exact same access to all of our options and features, at all times. We stand by our core principle that the courting process should never be manipulated or controlled by computer algorithms.

“The fundamentals behind every feature and function are that singles are the experts on who they want to date, and all they need is a dating site that will get out of their way…” --

Neumate’s social space and user experience mimic real world social dynamics accurately.
No other online dating site or swipe dating app can say the same.

Modern Dating: A Discussion with Neumate's CPO

Neumate’s Chief Psychology Officer, Stacey Bourland, Ph.D. makes sure that every feature and function offered in the user experience we offer is healthy. Below are some relevant QAs with Dr. Bourland on modern day dating, relationships, and love.

Why do we need love?

Humans have a need for meaning in life, and the two sources of meaning are work, i.e., productive activity that makes a contribution to society, and love. Romantic love not only provides meaning directly, but it also creates opportunities for other meaningful relationships, e.g., parenting children.

In your experience, what has been the factor you have found most commonplace in healthy relationships?

While love at first sight occasionally happens, the most common trait that I have found among people in healthy relationships is that they enjoyed their time getting to know each other. Their love for each other grew naturally.

Most people who have developed healthy relationships were not artificially hurried by external forces such as software code forcing rules and time limits. Technology may be fast as lightning, just like our website, but slower is better when it comes to developing a meaningful relationship.

What are important questions we should ask ourselves before putting ourselves out there?

The first question one must ask oneself is what am I looking for?

Dating is very personal to each individual. This is where a robust profile is very powerful for our members. They can communicate their desires which in turn will save them time and energy.

The next question is what do I have to offer?

It is important for everyone to be honest with themselves before meeting other singles. Honesty is key. If you are interested in being in a relationship, you will save yourself a lot of time and energy if you are honest from the beginning.

Another important question is does the environment/company that I associate with support my lifestyle and beliefs?

I have twin boys. The last thing I would want them to do is to put themselves in an environment where they are muted until pre-selected. I want them, just like I want all women, to be in a fair and equitable environment where everyone has the same freedoms, such as the freedom to make the first move if that is what they want to do.

If you want equality in your relationship, then you should associate yourself with environments that treat every person equally at all times. This is foundational, as the person you’ll be meeting is also choosing this environment. This is Neumate.

The final important question is are you ready?

Dating can be fun and exciting, and it can also have disappointments. This has been the reality since the dawn of dating, and “kiss many frogs” existed long before the internet.

In our modern world, a new challenge has entered the dating process, referred to as “ghosting.” Ghosting is a weak (non)response commonplace today, especially among the young swiping crowd. If you are going to put yourself out there, you need to be prepared to shake it off. The bottom line is that anyone ghosting instead of communicating doesn’t deserve your attention or energy.

If you want to meet someone and have the energy to put yourself out there, you are ready!

Is swipe dating healthy?

This is not a simple Yes/No answer, because it depends on what the person is looking for. Swipe apps were originally designed to be hook-up apps, and if that is what you want, then it may be healthy for you. Having said that:

Swipe dating forces everyone to make a quick and superficial decision based on a photo and minimal details, setting the tone for a quick encounter. The intentional “gamified” aspect of swipe dating makes it fun and addicting in the short term, but many swipe daters describe feeling degraded and depressed in the long term. In this way, swipe dating is like a drug; the fun of the “game” makes it appealing to start and difficult to stop, but the long-term effects tend to be emotionally harmful.

There is another very important psychological effect of swiping on both the individual and the community as a whole. The easiest way to explain it is to analogize it to the real world. When any one of us walks into a place, naturally there will be people we find attractive and may be interested in and people we are not interested in or attracted to. We do not get to swipe them out of the universe. Regardless of our personal attraction, these are real people, with real feelings, real lives -- just like all of us. The act of swiping people away truly commoditizes people, and making quick yes/no swipes is not a natural action for the human brain to process in an interaction with another human being.

Any other thoughts you’d like to share on Neumate and dating?

I joined Neumate as their CPO because I love everything that the company stands for. My favorite page on our website is actually the member cancellation page. It displays our belief that our members deserve to be treated kindly, that they are not marketing opportunities for us, and that we are a no-pressure, no-pep-talk company.

Everyone on the leadership team at Neumate is a parent with children under the age of 18, and none of us want our children to grow up and swipe date. So, unlike other leaders in our industry who profess to the public markets that every 18, 19, and 20 year old should be swiping for casual hook-ups, we do not think dating should be intentionally gamified at any time or any age. Dating at a young age should be fun and exciting, but that doesn’t require swipes. In fact, in my practice, I have found that swiping has actually taken the fun away for many young people.

Finally, there is another thing that goes unnoticed, until someone has the option. Have you ever had an email to compose and started on your phone and then just put it down, deciding that you will get to it on your PC? We all have. A bigger screen, a full size keyboard, your comfy chair, etc. A superior experience. Having the option to use your PC whenever you want also lends itself to much more thoughtful communication. Dating is better when not in a rush, and Neumate works seamlessly on all of your devices, so you can utilize our service at your leisure and timeline on any device. The smartphone is a powerful tool, but it is not a PC and never will be -- so don’t limit yourself.